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I'm depressed.... I'm depressed....

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  #1  
Unread 03-25-2003, 02:05 AM
I'm depressed....

I just heard some disturbing news Sunday, and was confirmed today, and I can't seem to get past it. I know I should but can't. Apparently after my surgery my mom asked my Dr how long I would have to live since he couldn't get all my cancer, and he gave me aprox. 2 years.

I since then confirmed with my sister, and I talked with my BF who on Sunday, and earlier told me that the Dr didn't give him anything, and if I wanted to know my prognosis to ask my Dr about it.

Well, after I talked with my sister, I asked my bf again, and he then told me that yes the dr gave me roughly 2 years 2 1/2 years, but really he couldn't say, cause it depended on my attitude etc etc.

All along, I knew that my prognosis probably wasn't very good, and I really didn't want to know so I really never asked. But now, I'm thinking about my little 4 yr daughter, and my life and everything, and I'm not sure I can handle this. I know I need to go to support group now, which everyone kept telling me I needed to do, but I felt fine.

I know it was better before I knew, but now I know, and I know, I should not care, because I know I'm not going to die just yet, I'm not ready, I have too much to do. But I keep thinking 2 years, 2 years, 2 years, it's really not that long. It's not long at all. Plus, I can't stop crying.....

I guess, since it's 2:30 a.m. and I haven't gone to sleep nor does it look like I am anytime soon, that I will have to call in sick tomorrow at work, that I just started again.

Good thing, today is my Dr's apt. cause maybe now I need something for depression... just kidding...

I guess I'm finally going through my "grieving process" for this cancer stuff, my therapist told me I never went through that process so she will be happy when I tell her, once I go back seeing her.

Well I guess I'm done boo hooing, I guess I just needed to get it out into the open. I know I'm going to beat this thing even if I'm the only one who thinks it... I'm also going to talk to my Dr today and ask him finally. I guess it's time to look this straight in the face and take it like it is, but that doesn't mean I have to accept it does it????

Wish me luck tomorrow.... I mean later today.... I'll let you guys know how it goes.....
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  #2  
Unread 03-25-2003, 03:14 AM
I'm depressed....

Dear, dear Tammy,

I am so sorry that this is happening to you! I was diagnosed with cancer in February, and although I have been told so often that there is every chance that I will recover completely, I too can't stop wondering about whether I will see my children grow up. Please do find a group or therapist to talk to, as it will help so much!

I wish I could think of something more encouraging to say....
hope you won't mind reading my rambling thoughts here.

I live with my family in an area which has known many terrorist attacks in the last few years. women I know have been shot on their way to work, or blown up in explosions and left many orphans behind.

It is so sad to live in this reality, and it is very difficult, but on the other hand we have come to terms with something very true, which is that no-one knows when his time will come, and therefore we must try to live each day as if it is our last.
The people around you on the street - they may not be sick now, but they may not even live as long as you will!
It is so hard to accept this, and in my community we have dealt with this idea for over two years. I don't know how people have been changed inside by it, but one of the benefits of this situation has been the great increase in kind deeds that we all try to do.

I pray that you will be able to find inner peace very soon, whatever is happening on the outside.

Best, best wishes,
Esther
  #3  
Unread 03-25-2003, 03:29 AM
I'm depressed....

Your post made me cry .

Good luck to you and your family.

My cancer was grade 1a. Yours doesnt seem that much higher. You could always get a second opinion. I dont know if that will help or not.

Take care
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  #4  
Unread 03-25-2003, 07:31 AM
I'm depressed....

s Tammy

I am sorry you heard that nasty prognosis. And I would advise you to not ask your doctor to repeat it unless you are truly ready to hear that pessimistic time frame again.
There are quite a few of us on this site with stage III ovarian cancer. It too carries a yucky prognosis. But the bottom line is:
statistics are just numbers. And if you happen to fall on the surviving side, your chance is actually 100%.
Most doctors no longer give such precise predictions. And usually only when a patient presses for it.
I hope you got some sleep and are feeling better today.
You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

karenann
  #5  
Unread 03-25-2003, 07:45 AM
I'm depressed....

Tammy,

Hi, I have been reading your posts since my own cancer was diagnosed in August and have admired your strength, spirit and positive attitude. Please try not to let this unwanted news get you down. Your doctor's prognosis for you is, at best, an educated guess based on his experiences with other people.

I read an inspirational book recently that was written by Lance Armstrong, called "It's Not About the Bike." He was diagnosed several years ago with testicular cancer that had spread from his testicles to his pelvis, lungs and his brain. I don't think any of his doctors expected him to survive. However, not only has he survived, he has gone on to win the Tour de France, possibly the most grueling athletic event in the world, four years in a row.

As Esther said above, in these uncertain times, none of us is guaranteed a tomorrow and need to live each day as if it were our last. Remember, every day above ground is a good day!

Jan
  #6  
Unread 03-25-2003, 08:48 AM
I'm depressed....

Dear Tammy,
Hope you are feeling better today! You are such a strong and positive person and have given me courage from reading your posts!! Please don't let your prognosis get you down, you can fight this! It sounds like you have a wonderful and supportive family and I am sure that helps you alot! I have two daughters also, ages 6 and 8, so your post really hit home with me. I know that you will find your strength again to get through this! Hope you get some rest today!! Do you take sleep meds for nights like last night? I have a rx for a sleeping pill for the occassional night that "cancer head" strikes and the "what ifs" make me upset!
We drove through your hometown at 12:30 AM! on Sat. morning!We had to drive from Colorado as we missed our flight to Houston due to the snow storm in Denver! I told my husband that one of my "sisters" lives here!! You are so brave and I really admire your attitude!! Let us know how your appointment goes!!
Rhonda
Radical hysterectomy on June 4, 2002 for cervical cancer, 1b
  #7  
Unread 03-25-2003, 09:26 AM
I'm depressed....

Tammy,

I'm sorry for what you are feeling, but happy by the good answers you are recieving here. I was told in November, brfore starting chemo that I probably only had a year to live and felt much like you do. I then thought of the people who died on 9/11 and what they would have given to have an extra year with their families. It doesmt matter as much how long we live as much as it does what we do with the time we have. My Pet Scan in Jan. showed no trace of cancer and I am feeling great. Mydoctor said it will come bck, probably within a year, but it is his job t worry aboout that, not mine. I also agree with Karen Ann, that we are not statistics, and have read many hopeful stories of people who have beaten the odds. I have two brand new teen drivers and will likely be killed by them than cancer! My faith also helps me i the day to day coping with cancer. People see me and say " There BUT the grace of God go I, but they are wrong. It is There WITH the grace of God go I .`
  #8  
Unread 03-25-2003, 09:38 AM
I'm depressed....

Tammy,

Lots of hugs from me to you--I can't get the hug icon to work right now! I can only imagine how scared you must've been to hear something like that, but stats are just stats, descriptions of groups of people, not of individuals. You are such a strong lady! Keep fighting! I will have you in my thoughts.

Beth
  #9  
Unread 03-25-2003, 09:57 AM
I'm depressed....

(((Tammy)))

I was so sorry to read your post. I can only imagine how you must be feeling. I do wish you luck today as you asked and I want you to know that you will be in my prayers. The ladies who replied here are truly amazing and I hope they were able to give you a little boost and make you feel a bit better.

's
  #10  
Unread 03-25-2003, 10:24 AM
Tammy--You are a Person, not a Statistic

When I first read the numbers/statistics on Stage 3 ovarian cancer I was more than numb. There I was--going to be long gone before five years. Everything blew up in my face. Well, then I decided I am a PERSON and not a number and I'm not going to go by the numbers and statistics and grim predictions. Nope--I am going to live. So are you. And I'm having fun and doing what I want (or thereabouts) daily. I hope you get answers to questions from the doctor but not the statistics--answers about living.
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