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Major Depression Major Depression

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  #1  
Unread 05-01-2003, 11:46 AM
Major Depression

I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't seem to shake this feeling of worthlessness. I was (before hyst and fistula) an upbeat woman with a LOT of energy. Happy, jogged/walked/danced everyday. I feel like I lost my drive.
I'm on 40mgs of Prozac and have been since the summer of 2002 when my 21 year old had a melanoma (she's okay) but upped the dose through out this nightmare to the max of 40mgs.

I don't know if yall know I planned my hyst in Nov 2002 so I'd be ready for the new tax season. Yes I do taxes. I landed a really great job and was supposed to start on Jan. 13, 2003. Well with the fistula and the need for another surgery I didn't start work until March 19, 2003. I REALLY would have taken more time off as I was only 6 weeks post op from a second major surgery in 3 months but I felt my new employers needed me so much and I didn't want to let them down so I pushed myself back to work even though I didn't feel up to it.

I had planned all summer to improve my skills....took a summer course to take a test given by the IRS once a year to become an enrolled agent (EA). I also took throughout the summer CPE (cont. prof. ed.) and became a "registered tax preparer".

I called my new employers yesterday and they said that I wasn't worth the hourly wage we agreed on and if I was willing to "step back" they would teach me a lot I don't know and get me up to speed.

I JUST COULDN'T stop thinking about my failure all night. Slept terrible, had weird dreams. I feel I have been dealt a bad deal. I KNOW I wasn't feeling well and I think my performance of my work because of NOT feeling well was not accurate. I have been in the tax profession for 10 years and don't feel like I should take a cut in pay because I was SICK.

ANYone have any advice as to how to build up my self esteem again and get my motivation back to continue to learn and better myself. I also started my own business but with this MESS UP I didn't get clients so I lost money on that one too.

Sorry to be such a bummer but I just can't shake this feeling of worthlessness.

Renee
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  #2  
Unread 05-01-2003, 01:18 PM
Major Depression

Oh My Renee,

You have been dealt a blow beneath the belt! I don't really have any advice for you as I thought all this was just a temporary set back but everything sure drags on. I have better days then others. My dog was up all night long sick & is hospitalized with tonsilitis. It broke my heart to leave her but I am not up to taking care of her. My vet's father died yesterday & he said he can't sleep anyway so will check on her all through the night. Why does everthing seem to happen at once.

You sure have worked hard to get where you are & I feel your employers must be very coldhearted people to treat you this way. I do know I have certainly been able to sort out my true friends during this nightmare. Things surely will start looking up for us! They must because we deserve it? It seems to me that someone as talented & smart as you are (taxes, makes me shiver to even think about them) should be able to find an even better job! You will get better & happier days are ahead for you!

God Bless,
Terry
  #3  
Unread 05-01-2003, 04:38 PM
Major Depression

Thanks Terry for the reply. I know we've been through a lot and I know it takes time and I know I have good days and not so good days. I still hurt. I still have UTI chronically. I get tired so easily. I guess yesterdays blow from my employer was the straw that broke the camels back. I will get better.
Thanks again. YOU hang in there too.
Renee
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  #4  
Unread 05-01-2003, 05:01 PM
Major Depression

Major depressions are the worst. I think I'm suffering one now along with PTS disorder or something similar because of my botched surgery.

The other time I had a 'major' depression was after my second son and I had MAJOR PPD. I think this time it won't get quite so bad as the hormones are not a problem and I know what to look for and am on some low dose meds.

Still, people don't realize that it takes WORK to stay afloat when you are feeling like this. And getting thru the day is sometimes exhausting. The fact that more surgery and more recovery is in the future doesn't make the whole 'healing' idea any easier. I feel like I'll heal just to potentially go thru this again.

I'm not helping you any, I know. Just hang in there. Drop me a PM if you'd like to chat.
  #5  
Unread 05-02-2003, 03:28 PM
Major Depression

I can't offer advice on the dreadful work situation (which seems to have very little to do with you being a "failure", but rather with employers trying to save a buck).

But I do have advice on the depression. Call the doctor who put you on the Prozac and ask for either a change of medication or a referral to a psychiatrist to investigate other medication. Because I don't think it's you. I think your meds aren't working. There are LOTS and LOTS of drugs out there; the drug companies are lined up around the block trying to get your money. Your doctor needs to work with you to find the medication that is best for YOU, and sometimes it takes more than one try.

If you can get the treatment you need to feel like yourself, I really believe you'll be in better shape to handle the tough curveballs life is throwing at you right now. I've seen at least one sitelike this site -- that mention higher doses of Prozac than you are on, but that's something to discuss with your doctor and DEFINITELY NOT something you want to do on your own.

Please call your doctor. It's so hard to get through the day when, in addition to hurting, you feel like you're dragging a whole other person along behind you wherever you go.

Hang in there! You deserve good treatment so you can have your life back.
  #6  
Unread 05-02-2003, 10:41 PM
Major Depression

Renee

The hysterectomywas one thing, but then the complications to follow were NOT part of the deal. You needed more time to recover. They cut my pay by 50% April 28th. I have been off work with this trouble since July 22th. This is almost a year or surgeries, inconveniences, tears, moods et al.

Try changing your antidepressant. Have you blood checked and make sure it isn't too low. It's hard to bounce back after all these set backs, but YOU have to and you can.

Keep posting, keeping venting, we are here, we KNOW how you feel. It WILL get better, just longer than we bargained for.

Business is business and can be ruthless. Try not to let them rent space in your head. You know you are good at what you do. You know what you are capable of and you will be back to normal. You need time, time to recover mentally and physically. Don't be too hard on yourself. Keep that chin up, keep smiling we are here.

You are in my thoughts and prayers,


Sherry xoxo
  #7  
Unread 05-03-2003, 11:02 AM
Major Depression

Thanks everyone for the support once again. This website has been so good for me because I now KNOW I'm not alone. It really helps and I even get to laugh sometimes too!!!!

Well my new employers came up with a plan for me. They will guarantee me 3 days a week at a cut of $8.00 per hour and train me to do different kinds of tax returns. (Estates, Corps, Partnerships, etc) and with that they said they do reviews in Sept and raises in Jan. for the new tax season. I will get full time work and OT tax season. They said it would take a couple years to be back in the hourly rate where I was. Hmmmmm

I ran this offer through my head a lot. At first I felt it was a slap in the face to take a pay cut but then I realized I will gain knowledge and get paid for it. Better than a sharp stick in the eye. AND getting out of the house will be good for me. The more I stay home the more depressed I get and want to stay home.

My husband also said that IF I don't want to work for them after a few weeks, I don't. I KNOW I will be easily hireable for the tax season and get paid the money I feel I am worth. OR I can try to build up my own business.

I think the Prozac does work for me. It got me through my daughter's cancer scare. I think I can only take so much and with all this "stuff" that has happened the work issue was just another blow.

I explained to my new employers that I wouldn't have gone back to work so early and they said they def. KNEW that and took it into consideration and that they really like me and wouldn't be offering this position if they didn't think I'd be an asset to them.

Well I told them I would think it out a bit....get my health back. Will it ever be back??? I will go in for a urinealysis prob. on Tues. Took my last antibiotic last night....so IF my UTI is gone and the pain I have feels better I may try out the 3 day a week thing and see what these woman have to offer me as far as learning. I know hands on learning would be better that ANY class, seminar, book I could read/do.

So...thanks again for listening. My GYN told me that with what I've been through is almost like post traumatic stress syndrome, and with that it WILL take time.

Take care all.
Thanks.
Renee
  #8  
Unread 05-03-2003, 01:38 PM
Major Depression

That a girl! You sound a little more perkier. Just try and take it one day a time, even an hour at a time, whatever works for you. You will be back to your old self again, it's just taking a bit longer.

Thinking of you,

Sherry
  #9  
Unread 05-03-2003, 02:01 PM
Major Depression

Renee,

I am so glad you are feeling better & thinking with a clear head. Whatever decision you make should not be made in haste. It has been so long since I have spoken to my employer I don't even know if I still have a job. The last time I filled out a form for the dr I couldn't remember the name of where I worked so I paused & dh said put down homemaker.

Yesterday we picked my little dog up at the vet's & were told she has allergies. They want to do tests to determine exactly what they are, then give her weekly shots. Then after a while it would go to monthly. Ordinarily I would of said of course but told them I would have to hold off until after my next surgery. I can't expect dh to drive me & the dog everywhere. Hopefully her antibiotics & new diet will help for now. She seems better today.

Anyway, I am sure you will have no problem getting other employment if that is what you choose. Good tax people are very hard to find around here. I guess if you know what you are doing you work for the bad guys. You know (IRS) since we're so close to Kansas City.

God Bless,
Terry
  #10  
Unread 05-03-2003, 02:32 PM
Major Depression

Thanks everyone,


Sherry your're right, I am a bit perkier. I went for a jog/walk this morning. Have a bit of swelly belly now but I don't care the jog felt great. So good to be outside.

Terry I sure hope your doggie gets better. I agree to deal with yourself first. The dogs allegies can def. wait. You need to heal.
FYI pbpowner (pot bellied pig owner) Yes I have a pot bellied pig....LONG story.

Sofeisty, thanks for the PM. I will keep in touch with you.
I didn't realize that your initials for PST was post traumatic stress disorder/syndrome until I read your post again and YES WE ALL are suffering from that. Who wouldn't after what we woman have been through.

DeniseB thanks for the info on anti depressants. As I said I do think the prozac is working for me. Just have bad days and not so bad days...and even sometimes good days.

Take care everyone and thank you again so much for the support.
Renee<I am my pot bellied pigs mom>
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